Back to square one | Anxiety

Anxiety | You know when we used to be so used to something that we're so comfortable already and feels happy about but then suddenly one day everything changes kinda feeling. Everything just sort of change very rapidly. And you didn't even know it until that one particular moment.

My health deteriorate badly for the past few month and the same goes to my mental health accept for it gets even worst day by day without me knowing what actually happen to this body of mine. I sort of having a mental breakdown for quite a while. A major one. That doesn't end there, my face also shows a lot of reversal to how it once was.

Breakout.

That's the word. I knew it at first that it happens due to my unstable hormones even though I thought it was due to allergies. Nope that's not it. It all comes in a package.

What actually happens to my body?

It was definitely fatigue. Fatigue means an extreme tiredness resulting from mental or physical exertion or illness. I feel fatigue all day long even when I'm sleeping. You're supposed to feel refresh and healthy once you've had your sleep as your body rest but it was the total opposite for me. Can you imagine feeling nauseous and extremely tired once you're up from bed each and every morning.

Decisions

There's a lot to do and to think about but my mind and my body are not in sync that everything is kinda messed up on my side without anybody knowing it. How do you imagined I went through everyday with that state I'm in. I looked okay but there's this part of me that keeps me on my two feet, trying my best to stay awake when I can barely holding on.

People surrounding

It took a lot of courage and energy just to even lift my heads up to the people around me. And then I went back home with tears in my eyes until I collapse and later woke up to see another day.

I lost it but I pretend like I had it

One minute I was okay, and a second after I was bawling my eyes out. That's how unstable I was. I was holding my tears through the entire time but when the pail is full it all poured out just like that bammm. I was not okay and I never am. People say to pretend like you're okay. It's easy to say pretending to be okay when you're actually breaking down physically and most importantly my mental is nowhere as good as it was. I am mentally sick and unstable. I was and I am.

Yes blame me for feeling what I'm feeling. People can say that when they're not me and they don't even know the slightest thing about it. That's what make it worst. They're all pretending to know and act like they care when they actually don't. There's a voice inside saying that they are all sick and bored of your act. I am not acting. Neither do I want this. Who wants it? Tell me.

I do know that a lot more people out there felt the same and they are struggling in the outside world when all they want was just to have a simple life. But when it gets out of control all they can do is just sit there at the corner of the room hoping things will get better since no one actually lend them a shoulder to cry or even extend their hand to help them get out of that dark room. Yep it's dark inside where only they can see what they see. A totally different vision.

Have you ever feel the same?